Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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