Small penises have feelings too.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize