So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
