You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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