god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
