Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Jerry, you need to find god
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
