you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
