Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
