A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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