Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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