Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
