She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
