He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
