He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize