I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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