Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
