I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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