i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Alive.
So much puke
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
