I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
