and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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