does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
