Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
