I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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