I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
