In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
