He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
