dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize