she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
