I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
