Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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