Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
