it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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