Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize