Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
