We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
