new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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