hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
