Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
