he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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