I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
