I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
