I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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