We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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