I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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