just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She bit a glass in half.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
