Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
