I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
