just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
