His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
