how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Oh god it's open bar.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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