I will die if light touches me.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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