Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
