I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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