Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
