Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
