At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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