Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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